There are very distinct, undeniable moments in time that slap us in the face with the reality that our kids are growing up before our very eyes. Those moments usually only last a few minutes or even seconds. Nonetheless, those few minutes or seconds are nothing short of extraordinary and are remembered for a lifetime!
Well, for me this moment came for me on May 22, 2021, the day I took my daughter for her first COVID Vaccine. She was 14 at the time.
We had just pulled out of our driveway into our street and then this happened:
My Daughter: “Mom, can I tell you something?”
Me: “Yeah, of course! What’s up?”
My Daughter: “I wish you would’ve asked me first before you scheduled me for a COVID shot.”
Me: “Huh…. you know, my love, you’re right! I should’ve asked you. It didn’t even cross my mind to ask you before I scheduled it, but it totally makes sense.”
My Daughter: “I know that you didn’t mean it, Mom. But it’s my body and I should have a say in what goes into it. I would’ve probably said ‘Yes’ anyway, but I wish you would’ve asked me first and given me the choice.”
(Around this time, this mom is feeling So. Freakin.’ Proud!! She’s established boundaries around herself and body…and she’s not afraid to use them! YES!!!)
Me (with a proud mama heart): “Sweetpea (her nickname), I’m sorry I didn’t think to ask you. I guess I went into autopilot cuz that’s what I do when it comes to medical appointments, not thinking that you’re at an age where you should start having a say in what goes into your body.”
Me (again): “We can cancel this appointment if you want. I want you to have a say in this, so it’s completely up to you.”
My Daughter: “No, we can go, but please ask me next time.”
Me: “You sure?”
My Daughter: “Yes, let’s go.”
Me: “Ok, let’s go then.”
Me (again): “Thanks for sharing this with me and I’m so proud of you.”
My Daughter (smiling): “Thanks, Mom.”
This conversation probably lasted no more than three minutes, but in those three minutes here’s what was forged like steel inside my mind and heart about her:
1) Damn! She knows how to walk in her courage and speak up for herself!
2) She’s got amazing boundaries!!! (Notice that there were absolutely no questions or apologies in relaying her boundaries around her body.)
3) She’s inspiring!
My daughter is 16 now, and I recently asked her about those three minutes, which she also remembers clearly, and this is what she said (quite eloquently I might add):
“Those 3 minutes showed me that it’s okay to advocate for myself and my needs. More than okay, but extremely powerful, uplifting, and empowering for my inner narrative. Moreover, having a mom who will take such advocation seriously and respectfully, helped me significantly with my growing into such a power that will, for the rest of my life, aid in developing a strong agency of self.”
So, here’s the bottom line: When little girls are not given permission to have boundaries or poor boundaries are modeled for them, they are more prone to fall into dysfunctional, and sometimes unsafe patterns/behaviors that can last well into adulthood, such as:
1) people pleasing and self-silencing.
2) excessive caregiving.
3) blurred concepts of safety.
4) an unhealthy relationship with self.
5) Falling into unhealthy, toxic, and/or co-dependent relationships with others; and
6) victimization of abuse and exploitation.
In my 19 years of experience in working with women, I’ve seen it play out in one, some, or all the above ways. If you’re a mother with a daughter, I encourage you to be mindful of your own boundaries—your daughter is watching you as she first learns to be a woman from her mom.
So, moms (dads, too!), I challenge you to shift the paradigm for the women in your family and empower your young daughters to freely establish and exercise their own boundaries, barring exposure to imminent danger. It is their right to do so. By doing so, your young daughters will be well on their way to becoming women who exercise their voice from a place of power and live their lives authentically, courageously, resiliently, and wholeheartedly.
